Happy Monday!

Monday, June 13, 2016

Another week, another Monday blog post. I'm getting really, really into VSCOcam, and seriously would love to follow anyone on there. It's almost like my picture diary; I post things on there I would never post on Instagram. I'm not sure if it's because none of my friends have an account, so I have a sense of absolute anonymity on it, or if it's the outline of the app itself. Who knows! I absolutely adore it though, and have to constantly hold back from uploading a million pictures at a time.

What I read last week
It took me almost the whole week to finish The Dreamer by E.J. Mellow, which I LOVED. I hit that 70% mark on day two, and then it took me three whole days to finish the last 30%. Life, man. LIFE ENJOYS FUCKING UP MY READING SCHEDULE.

Currently reading

Elementals: The Head of Medusa by Michelle Madow, then I'll be rereading Blue Lily, Lily Blue by Maggie Stiefvater so I can finally dive into The Raven King

Books I've obtained
None! But I may take a little trip to Barnes & Noble this week.

Music I've been loving
Nick Jonas' new album Last Year Was Complicated // Somebody Else by The 1975 (If I could recommend any song ever to someone, this is it. PLEASE LISTEN TO IT.) // Talking Body by Tove Lo // Sing Me To Sleep by Alan Walker // This One's For You by David Guetta // Back 2 U by Steve Aoki

Post I uploaded 

Life shenanigans 
I had my first full-fledged panic attack on my first day of class last week. It was weird and shocking and completely out of the blue. I have a slight social anxiety that can pop up in certain situations, usually when I'm by myself in a place that I don't know. I don't like being uncertain, or looking like it, especially around older people or kids my age. I feel like I'm a walking oxymoron; I love doing things on my own and can ooze self-confidence, but then I can also go out and immediately wanna shield my face from anyone looking at me and hide in a dark corner. I also don't care what people think about me, yet have an anxiety based solely on my appearance and what other's perceive me to be. It's a constant battle, and I never really know which side I'm going to get. And since being around kids my age when I'm by myself usually makes me want to hyperventilate and rock in a corner, going to an unfamiliar school, trying to find the right classroom, and then sitting there while it slowly filled and filled and filled with kids made my heart start to pound. I don't want to get too into it, but basically the combination of feeling ugly and self-concious + sitting in a room with a huge amount of strangers + realizing I'll have to converse with them against my will made me freak. So I got up and left ten minutes into the three hour class, my body shaking and my heart pounding and tears pooling in my eyes. It was terrible. It was like a yawning pit had opened up inside of me, spewing dark thoughts and realizations that shit, was this going to be a real problem? Or was this just a fluke? Since I was fine with my spring classes (which were all relatively small compared to this class), I'm hoping it was just a small intrusion and won't be an issue. We'll see! 

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